she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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