I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
