you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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