Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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