So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
