Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
