someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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