someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
