I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
