Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
