apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
