How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Floor bacon is actually really good
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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