my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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