just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
