I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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