no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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