I will die if light touches me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
