hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I know her cup size but not her name....
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
