i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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