So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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