Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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