Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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