He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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