So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I still have a little drunk in my system
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
