Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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