We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
