i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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