i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
