they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I don't deserve a penis
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
