Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
