I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
