I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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