feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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