Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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