everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My cat gives me a boner
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
