So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
