i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
