Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
