I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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