Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
