If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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