Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
