Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
