Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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