We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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