i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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