I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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