You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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