How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
