Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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