I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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