I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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